I know you won’t come back, but I still believe that somehow you’ll find me. I can’t bare to think where you are. You could be with your friends warm and safe or you could be somewhere cold and wet. How could you expect me to tell you?
You were so pretty, in that purple dress your dad got you, with your long brown hair flowing down your back. Your black high-heels on. Yes, it was the first time you were going to a proper party; we didn’t want anything to ruin your night
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We gave you a lift in our small black BMW and dropped you off around the corner- you didn’t want people to see you being dropped off by mummy and daddy. We were going to pick you up at 11:30pm too; you begged to stay out later. I wanted you to be home by 10, but your dad persuaded me to let you out a bit longer.
You were 15 years old but still, in my eyes you were my baby, my little girl in her room playing with her dolls.
I remember when you were 12 and you came running into the kitchen, your face beamed full of happiness and joy; you squealed “I have a boyfriend!” Yes, it was your first boyfriend and you were so happy, then when it ended you were devastated. I tried my hardest to be there for you, really I did, but you were just so upset you didn’t listen to a word I said. I knew you would have lost more boyfriends and endured break-ups, but you were only little, you didn’t know what was going to happen to you as you grew up.
Then you found new friends and you didn’t care much for boys. You would go out for sleep-overs and trips to the shops and fun-fairs. Your life has been a good one, and now I feel like I should have taken you out places more often. You have always wanted me to take you to see your favourite band-Blink182, yes I remember the name! I remember when you were 9 years old and I was going to a concert to see Sting-you begged me to take you with me and so I did, and at first you hated it because we were sitting right at the back. When we went to the front you were dancing and singing even though you didn’t know the words. I do wish I had taken you to see Blink182 sooner. I was going to take you and three friends for your birthday. You can still go; I’ll be beside you if you need me.
When you started secondary school you were overwhelmed with joy. You met new friends and you were loving it. Then you got into the wrong crowd. You would make fun of people, and started to smoke and I regularly had to drag you from gutters, drunk, and your father and I did everything we could to stop you but you didn’t listen you didn’t want to. You had to find out for yourself. When that Annie came around and took your necklace you new you had to make new friends. Then you met Jennifer, such a nice girl she is, and I am so glad that you two are still best friends. When you came home and said Jack had invited everyone to his house party I wasn’t sure about you going, but I know you can look after yourself.
You spent ages getting ready on Saturday; you were so annoyed that you had nothing to wear, so when your father came home with a beautiful purple dress you were so happy.
I remember the first time you got a dress, it was a red one, and you loved it so much you wanted to wear it everywhere you went. I still have that dress at home.
As we were driving down the road to Jack’s house my stomach was turning all over. I knew I had to let you go , you’re not my little angel anymore – you’re older and more mature, I knew you could look after yourself but it’s a mother’s place to worry about her child. When the car stopped I could see you were nervous but dying to go. “We’ll be back here at 11:30” I said, probably more that once. As the car door shut o watched you walk towards his house.
Your father and I went back home and what felt like hours and hours where only minutes. I decided to do something to take my mind of things. When my phone rang and I saw it was you I started to panic, it was only nine- you had only been at the party for just over an hour. You begged me and your father to pick you up now. I could hear you trembling and crying. I got your father and we raced down the roads to Jack’s house. All I heard next were the screams and bright lights.
I opened my eyes. In a hospital. How could I tell you your father and I were in an accident and didn’t have much time left? Your father died straight away, he didn’t feel a thing, and I want you to know my darling that he loved you so very much. I don’t have much time my angel. I want you to know I love you with all my heart, and look after yourself. Don’t worry about us; we will see you again in another life time. Someday. I love you my darling, I have to go now. Good-bye my sweet, and never be afraid, I am here with you always.
Love your mother. X
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